Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
